Me and my boy
I do not look like my son. Theo has smooth cafe au lait skin like his adoptive (& birth) father and soft curly hair whereas I have light brown hair, angular features and blue eyes. In public, people assume he’s my husband’s child and they can’t figure out where I fit into the mix. Many mothers who have given birth to their children do not look like their children especially those in mixed race marriages. Several Asian mothers (including both of my sister-in-laws) have been stopped in the street and asked if they were their own children’s nanny (ugh). Looking alike helps in the public sphere but it plays no part in how a mother feels about her children. And besides, Theo and I have lots in common!
Ten things we have in common.
1) He loves to laugh.
2) He’s incredibly social and is happiest in the company of people
3) He loves nature and seems calmest outdoors
4) He’s very physical.
5) He loves activity but gets overstimulated easily and needs his quiet time.
6) He’s a big sneezer and his nose is often runny
7) When he’s hungry, he needs to eat RIGHT AWAY.
8) He’s a stylish dresser but likes to hang out in sweats too.
9) He enjoys hanging out at cafes on Main street
10) He’s not that keen on mushy rice cereal
Do you look like your children? How has this affected your family?
I definitely DO look like my children. Although the similarities in our features isn’t striking, it’s obvious enough that everyone automatically sees the connection. I would say the same thing for their father. While my husband and I don’t look the same, we’re both light-skinned white people, and so are our kids.
I’m not sure how this has affected our family. It probably makes things easier, although having nothing to compare it with I can’t say exactly how. I would guess it’s mostly in the public sphere, but then being light-skinned white heterosexuals the public sphere is probably easier for us in general, through no credit of our own.
I don’t believe that the physical resemblance has any impact on how I feel about my kids. Just as our shared personality traits don’t. It’s really the day-to-day living with them and loving them that makes our relationship what it is.
When we are with my family and friends in Ontario, people are flabbergasted by how much De Danann looks like my brother’s kids: they all look a lot like my dad did as a child and could easily be mistaken for siblings. People really make a big deal about it using exclamatory phrases like “Oh my god!” and “I can’t believe how much…”. This reaction irks my husband Simon to no end (he was not at all impressed by my nephew’s 2 year old behaviour, having had very little experience around small children, and I suspect, is secretly terrified that our child is the same way. Being 3, naturally, he is).
When we are around people who know or are friends with Simon, they all think he looks just like him. My friends say like both of us. I think DD changes all the time and looks like a different person depending on what mood he is in, etc. Whoever he looks like, people always assume he is ours, since it is stamped on him so obviously. People always assume my nephews are mine as well. Then again, they always assume that my friend Shannon and I are sister simply because we are of a similar height, build, fair complexion and hair colour. My theory (being an artist) is that people really don’t know how to see in any sophisticated way: they only see the obvious, and jump on that because it gives them a starting place when it comes to making conversation about things they don’t know anything about. Send everyone to art school, I say!!
I agree! Send everyone to art school so can learn how to THINK!
Such a cute photo. And yes, you are different, but very much the same, and you can tell you love your boy, and that’s all that matters.
This post is very sweet, Harriet.
I’m with Stephanie.
I was largely raised by my step-dad, (mother’s second husband) and his second wife, my step-mom. My step-mom would attend parent teacher interviews for me in junior high and high school, and I remember teachers commenting on how much I looked like her.
We didn’t even have the same last name! I’m brunette, she’s a blonde, I have green eyes, she has blue… She’s small boned, I’m not… She has delicate features and a slightly pointy nose, I have big wide features and a round nose.
And now, about my daughter, who looks *exactly* like I did as a baby, but has her papi’s colouring (brown eyes and hair), everyone says how much she looks like him! Except my dad, who, well, I’m not sure he wants to see my husband in his granddaughter…
But people will see what they want/expect to see, and little else.
Both of my kids have the same skin colour as me but otherwise they look like their dad (my husband). When I look at baby pictures of him they’re like little carbon copies. I can imagine it would be irritating to have people question your relationship to your child…but then strangers say all sorts of stupid things to parents…because we always like strange people to come up to us on the street to give us “helpful” advice.
Did you hear about the theory that people say who a child looks like, as an old biological response? We usually choose to say the father- cause we don’t want him to doubt parentage and blood lines and take off. Not that that really helps- lots of dads “take off” so to speak. But have we been saying this from time immemorial?
I also think it’s interesting that people ask about who on David’s side of the family Maitri takes after with her blond hair. As if with my mixed-Asian heritage, she could possibly take after anyone on my family. When I bring up my Mum and her curly blond hair, they say “oh” like they forgot I was white, too.
We’re Different, We’re The Same is a great Sesame Street book about just that people being different and the same. You should read it to your little guy, I’ve been reading it to my toddler often. She is learning about how people might look different but they are very much the same. The book talks about feelings too, it’s great.
My daughter is biracial, she looks exactly like me. The only difference her skin is dark than mine. I have people asking if I am her mother and if she was adopted. At the same time I also get comments that she couldn’t look more like me. In the same trip to the park we get a few comments of each. It’s funny that people see what they want, then share it with you!
I love this post! I’ve been checking your blog daily.