I have witnessed Theo bite a two-year-old in the ear in a crowded restaurant, tackle toddlers at the playground from behind and bite them in the head, lean in gently beside a child as if to gently pat their head but instead smack them in the head. I’ve seen him routinely poke other children in the eyes, nose and mouth. He does not discriminate between young and old. No one is safe. He will take down a six-month old or a two-and-a-half year old. The vast majority of kids (but surprisingly, not all) start crying immediately.
We recently visited my friend, and her two-year-old started yelling, “He’s pushing me!” before we’d even entered the house.
My husband thought the biting meant Theo was tired so I tested this theory by bringing him to a birthday party after a 75-minute nap. He arrived happy, ran around with a balloon and smiled broadly at any and everyone taking breaks to suck on other children’s water bottles and take bits of random food items. Phew, I thought, we’re good. I turned my head, and he was on top of a 6-month-old.
Theo shares the love with his friend Ben.
The party suddenly became stressful for me, when a few moments later. He casually knocked over a one-year-old twice before going in for the bite.
I decided that my grab him by the scruff of the neck while screaming Thhhheoooooooo! NO! followed by profuse apologizing to the victim’s parents wasn’t really working.
So I did a little research and found out that there are reasons for biting (who knew?) such as obvious ones like fatigue, hunger and teething (which applies to every 12-24 month-old). Toddlers also bite because they’re frustrated, and can’t express themselves (ie: they can’t talk). They bite to gain control (my ball!) and to express excitement (cake, people, balloons!)
Safe to say all of this applies to Theo. He can’t talk, he wants things, he’s teething, and he loves a party.
However, his biting still mystified me given that he’s a happy, social, people-lover. When we pass a school he goes ballistic. He shrieks when we pass a park. He smiles at everyone. It just wasn’t adding up for me.
Then I discovered this gem: “The Social Biter. The Social biter bites as a way to interact and play with another child! These young children have not yet developed the social skills to indicate ‘Hi, I want to play with you.’ So sometimes, they approach a friend with a bite to say hello. Watch young children very closely to assist them in positive interactions with their friends.”
Phew. At least I know he’s not a pint-sized bully. He just wants to make friends! Either way, I’ve adjusted my tack. I now try to intervene before he goes in for the smack/bite. If he gets there first, I tell him no biting, console the other child first, and then introduce them. Sure to be the start of a beautiful friendship.
That all said, I’m also I’m keeping a closer eye on him. I’ve been letting him run a little too loose at the playground and I need to be more vigilant. When things start to look like they could go really sideways I intervene first and take him somewhere with less children.
Halloween is around the corner, and while my little biter would make a great vampire; we’re sticking to the hamburger costume.
My 2yo just started biting recently. I am convinced it’s because she likes the reaction. Because there’s always a reaction isn’t there? She only bites me, her dad or her brother though – thankfully.
My son was uber rambunctious at Theo’s age. He didn’t bite but he was IN YOUR FACE. In everyone’s face. Sometimes that meant pushing or whatever. I had to do what you said – basically shadow him and make sure he was playing nice. Sometimes I still need to do that and he’s almost 4. I think some kids (mostly boys) are just in such a PLAY WITH ME mindset that they don’t realize that they’re a bit overwhelming for other calmer folk.
Parenthood is fun, eh?
I pretty much have started shadowing him – discreetly of course!
Don’t puppies nip and bite when they’re being playful? We’re really just animals after all. That’s my excuse, although our boys prefer whacks to bites.
My son went through a biting period too, except he would only bite me. It started around 14 months and would come and go for the next 6-8 months, and I could not relate it too anything specific.
He would run up to me and smother me in hugs and then lean in and give a big bite. My co workers were wondering what the heck was up with me because I would have some serious perfectly round bruises on the soft fleshy part of my arms. One even drew blood and major tears from me. It really really hurt!
Sometimes he would just run at me with his mouth wide open hoping to give me a good bite. Luckily, this phase phased out and it hasn’t reappeared for us.
De Danann was a biter, and we got a great book: “Teeth Are Not For Biting”, which was a help (and it’s a board book too so great for little guys). I found the biting extremely stressful. Then one day we were at Kinder Gym and a mother approached me gently but with a look of concern and said: I think your son just pinched my son. I looked down at a 2 year old with gigantic tears and blood streaming down his face. Yes, DD had pinched him in the face to the point of drawing blood! I was mortified (apologized profusely) and contemplated never going out in public with him again. He got over that phase in a couple of months, and I did take him back to kid gym.
I still frequently consider never taking out in public again, but for a variety of other, ever changing reasons…
kieran was a biter. and a hitter. ah, those were fun times! luckily his victims forgot quickly (well maybe not all of them). one little girl had the audacity to want to play with him at some toddler-time get-together. apparently an open handed smack to her face was his way of saying, “no thank you, i’m good by myself.” fast forward 2 years to kindergarten when they were super sweet on each other.
but i don’t envy you, lady. i remember taking kieran to the park at theo’s age and never getting to sit down and talk to the other moms cos i was always on the look out. how intently was he looking at that kid? did that kid budge in line for the slide? is that kid in his way??
luckily it ends. kieran hasn’t bitten anyone in, like, months.
Oh, the social biter! That makes total sense – Theo is one of the most social little dudes I know. Well, Lilah didn’t seem to bothered by it, and she still has a crush on him, so… I guess she’s a fan of vampires?
I really don’t think toddlers have any idea how their actions affect others. Biting doesn’t hurt THEM, so therefore it doesn’t hurt. They’re not doing it to be mean, I don’t think.
It took my daughter until she was 3 or 3 1/2to develop a sense of empathy, and understanding of other people’s feelings. Until then, you can’t take anything they do too seriously. They’re not sociopaths, just children.
All the same, I’m glad you found your answer. I hope that with a little intervention, the biting passes quickly.
Tara is a licker. She licks my belly. Gross but less traumatic for others.
Oh my goodness! This post made me laugh. Theo is a “social biter”. What is the gateway toy for that, teething rings?
I agree with tanbob, puppies and kittens “play” by nudging and nipping each other. It’s a way to be social when they can’t talk. Sounds right on the money.
Hence, the term, “love bite.”
never had to deal with it, thank goodness ….. but now (at 7.5y) we’re dealing with temper tantrums in the classroom, shouting at the teacher, sulking and outbursts, slamming doors and talking back to the principal at school and similar plus much more at home
H – i think you’re getting good experience (and wisdom – social biter!) for dealing with Theo at an oldr age (nothing is ever wasted) and of course you could escape it.
i’m soldiering on, boosting myself with the vain hope that Wee Guy is going thru his teenage years ahead of time so that i can ‘peacefully’ get thru menopause uninterrupted
fat chance – maelstrom: coming to a suburb near you in the next decade
My child was identical at age 2.5/3 when I first took her in my home. She is now perfectly fine and healthy and just about the nicest child one could wish for. This is within our home and outside relationships ranging from adults to other friends of which she has many. When first enrolling her in daycare for her own good and social interaction, I would often get a phone call before snack, nap or lunch time that “M” had walked up behind another youngster in the playground, bathroom, classroom and unprovoked took a swipe at another child’s head. Biting was included on this and very regular. Many of our social outings were 20 minutes in a cafe just for a quick cup of coffee for me and some social interaction time for “M”.
I remember once “M” walked straight in to the cafe, walked over to our usual table where somebody else currently sat and she whacked them. When I asked her how come (she could talk, but refused to most of the time for about two more years) the answer I got was they were in MY seat.
Her social skills and or social collateral was so different from the other folks she was now interacting with in OUR life this was not a norm. It was then I realized that I had received her as a blessing from Foster care because her biological mother provided a negative atmosphere. Social norms to “M” were a good beating, a solid bite, a blind-side punch or even worse.
As I stated in the beginning of this comment “M” is about the sweetest girl a single father like myself could hope for. She is one of the best mannered in her class now and gets compliments where ever we go on her attitude, aptitude, athleticism, and ability to express extreme patience or kindness. These things did not develop over night. We went through many of the things listed in the other comments plus some really rough times. I believe “M” was brought to me on the cusp of her development and should the situation not have been caught when it was her disposition would have been very hard to turn around if not impossible. i know in biology form follows function ad as an odd mixed blessing possibly due to malnutrition “M”‘s brain had not fully gone through full development. Massive amounts of Play Therapy, constant home parenting, serious positive and negative reinforcement, A diet other than cold hot dogs straight from the fridge and spoons of mayo, support and most of all consistency with all of these things was needed to achieve what “M” has achieved in her life.
Nobody would ever know that “M” had ever one had a serious issues in her life as a 24-40 month old child. I share this just to reinforce that almost all social and biological issues can be overcome or adapted to if the right tools are given and the proper parenting mindsets are in place. “M” has just began Girl Scouts and is enjoying it so much it is a pleasure to see what she has overcome. I almost feel like I give myself too much credit here, had “M” not wanted to achieve these things it would have been very tough. Although I try to stay away from the word normal, I am accepting that there are some social norms and “M” did want these things on her own because she was already, even with her unfair first few years, she was already the gentle human she is today hiding inside a biting, hitting, screaming or refusing to talk child. No book reading, no computer searching, no advice CD’s, DVD’s or talk shows taught me anything more than my mother taught me just to be kind and patient and find goo outsourcing to read books and study early childhood development on a Scientific level. Im a studying Cultural Anthropologist with just enough knowledge to really screw things up. I did the loving and the professionals did the assisting; although I do not allow diagnosing because I believe that leads down a path to fatalistic determinism.
Happy parenting
Thanks E! That’s a great story about M. Shows you that you can make a difference as a parent.
I’m no worried about Theo at all. He’s a really nice kid and so far people still want to hang out with us. We just need to keep on top of it
So do you just have to watch him closely or do you teach him how to say hello in another way? I’m asking because I’ve noticed how frustrate K gets sometimes when he doesn’t get his way. I’m trying to teach him the sign for “milk” which he is ignoring in favour of whining.
This is so interesting! I wish I had known this when Ari was in more of his biting stage. He still pushes, hits and screams at kids though. It’s fascinating to know that there are emotional tangible reasons for biting.