As promised, here is a quick, random list of my worries about Theo as he grows up: the rational and the irrational. (In brackets I gamely attempt to assuage these worries.)
What me worry?
- As an only child, my son will be precious, self-centered, and unable to play nice with the other kids. (We’re still trying to treat him like a third child but everything he does is so AMAZING!)
- As a teenager, he’ll play video games, text and experiment with drugs. (Life.)
- He’ll struggle with the fact of his adoption and wonder why his birthparents “gave him up” and see us as shallow replacements. (A healthy relationship with his birthparents will help him understand and accept his life. Ideally, he’ll see that he just has a lot of family and a lot of love in his life.)
- He’ll reject us and want to “move in with his birthfamily.” (See above.)
- He’ll experience racism. (We’ll need to make sure he can express his feelings around it.)
- He’ll “get a girl pregnant” in his teens. (Honesty about his past and dialogue with his birthparents should help him understand what this would mean.)
- He’ll have to explain his ‘adoptedness’ ad nauseum because he does not look like us. (This may well be a part of his reality. My guess is, like for us, comments and discussions will vary depending on who he’s with.)
- In an effort to reclaim his identity, he’ll seize on questionable cultural elements such as dressing like a gangster, smoking ganja, or acting like he’s from East L.A. (My own racism coming through.)
- He’ll be reluctant to share his feelings around adoption or race with us. (We hope that we are laying the groundwork for him to be comfortable with all of this. A solid relationship with his birthparents will give him another avenue to express his feelings).
- He’ll be a music guy. You know the kind, the guy who shows up at the Commodore at midnight by himself to catch the last set every weekend. (tee hee)
What do you worry about when it comes to the apple(s) of your eye(s)?
Some days I worry my kids will despise the fact that I blogged about them. (But I think they may love a peak into their childhood too — or at least use my blog as “evidence” when they meet with their therapist in 20 years)
I worry that Theo will grow up to be the best and most well adjusted kid ever and will feel the pressure to explain how he came to be so well adjusted!
Love the pic. You’re doing a great job and he is loving life. The fact that you are even anticipating these future worries show that you are a rad mama and have already started preparing yourself for the future, the unexpected, the inevitable. Yay for well aware and awesome parents like you!!
Be afraid.
I am blown away by how grown up he is looking these days.
Honestly, you are doing an amazing job. I follow your tweets religiously so I know all the great things you do with him and what a fantastic job you are doing. I completely agree with the Lisa above me.
You inspire me regularly. You are a role model for me in many ways.
Ditto to Ironic Mom.
I also worry about parenting a daughter through adolescence. I seem to remember a LOT of yelling and crying during my own adolescence. I’m honestly not that keen to experience the whole thing again, this time as a parent.
Oh yea. I was a girl once and IT wasn’t pretty at all.
Adoptive father of daughter worries:
1. not bonding with me as her “real” father and lacking any connection to her birthfather, will seek out unhealthy relationships in place of such.
2. will feel she is not treated equally to her younger brother, a biological child of our family.
3. will unknowingly mirror behaviors of her birthmother, leading to difficult teenage years and unplanned pregnancy.
4. will leave the family as soon as possible.
She’s nine years old and already I’m worried about being an empty-nester.
If it helps, I’m also worried about being an empty nester and Theo’s only 16-months-old. I hope he does not do what I did and leave home early. Stay here!
Adolescence. Ugh!
I worry that she will hate me as much as I hated my own mother (for no reason at all, other than just being herself) during those rough teenage years. But thankfully that’s a long way away!
I worry that my kids won’t fit in. I feel so sad when I see kids who don’t fit in and/or don’t have any friends.
Like Amanda, I worry that Sarah will hate me through her teenage years.
We are about to adopt a bi-racial/African-American (father is “unknown”) newborn boy in January, and I have worried about every thing on your list. I’m glad I’m not the only one who shares these concerns, just or unjust. Thank you for putting them out in public!
Oh my gosh. Yes, I share all your worries. I will add to your list that I worry that we won’t be able to give him an “official” African American experience . . . of course we won’t — we’re white! But we will try. I also worry that he won’t feel completely comfortable with black or white friends . . . when my goal is to have him feel a part of both worlds. Sigh. And then I just remember — do my best, one step at a time. Thanks.
I worry that my own baggage towards family will keep a wedge in between me and my kids. I really really don’t want us to have the same kind of relationship that I have with my own parents.
I have no kids, so I have no worries.
Harriet, this is your best post ever.
He is a cutie!
And I just worry about everything.
This may sound a little silly but I worry that our boy may end up with all the bad traits from both of his parents. My husband swears in French and loses his patience a lot when he drives. It drives me nuts. I’m easily depressed and I can get irritated at the little things some times. You get what I mean.
I also worry that he may decide to move far away from us one day and we won’t see him as much. Sort of like what his dad did after marrying me.
I worry that our toddler will be a loner when he starts school and that he will be bullied. I think we’re going to sign him up in martial arts.
I worry about a lot more too but I’m not the type to stand around and do nothing about it either. We will tackle each thing as they come, if they come.
“Great” worry list! I am right there with ya. But, it soundes like you are an amazing mom! Since we currently do not have a relationship with our son’s birth parents, I worry about the affect of all those unanswered questions (though, we are searching for them). I worry about racism. I dread the day I hear “you’re not my real mom.” I worry that he will feel completely lost between cultures being Latino growing up in a white family. And, as we wait to be matched in a domestic adoption, I worry about how having an open adoption with our 2nd child will affect him.
It think it’s interesting when I see other people’s worries, I think, oh, they’re going to be just FINE
I know the real mom thing its going to hurt.
Or “as an only child my son will be articulate, outgoing, and successful”. Seriously, the “only child stigma” has to stop. Only children are good for the planet.
I put that in for you Anne. Just wanted to make sure you were paying attention.