An adoptee left a comment on my blog indicating that adoptive families would never be nuclear families in the true sense. I get where she’s coming from. Many adult adoptees do not have access to their biological families or even information about them. This leaves a gaping hole in their lives. The ancestry, the lineage, the family trees do not fit for adoptees.
Thankfully, our son has access to his roots. He will be able to trace his biological family lines back for generations. However, he’ll have an additional branch that includes us. It’s almost a reversal. Where will we fit into his family tree?
Adoption has changed. The availability of information has made contact possible between adoptees and biological parents and siblings. Something that would require a detective 40 years ago can be found via Facebook. The typical family has changed. The nuclear family is no longer the norm. Divorce, adoption, globalization, multiculturalism have all changed the face of the family.
No nukes here.
Here are some of the configurations of families in my direct circle of friends:
- Caucasian mom, Indo-Canadian dad, mixed-race toddler.
- Filipino mom, Caucasian dad, mixed-race elementary kids
- Caucasian couple with two daughters adopted locally. Same-race.
- Parents with a new baby divorced within a year. Both remarried and have other children. The son, now 14 has three “half siblings,” four parents, and four sets of grandparents.
- Parents with a 6-year-old son divorced. Both remarried. Son now 12, has a same-aged step-sibling and a baby brother on the other side.
- Chinese-Filipino mom, Caucasian with a baby girl who bears little outward resemblance to mom.
- Mixed-race lesbian couple with a 4-year-old boy biologically related to one mother and an unnamed father.
- Single Caucasian mom with a son adopted from Africa
- Single adoptive mom with 25-year-old daughter born in China.
- Black and Caucasian couple with black son adopted from the US (open)
- Indian mom, black father, two girls.
- Married couple, mid-40s, no kids.
- Gay male couple with toddler (I don’t know if he was adopted or came via a surrogate)
- Single woman, 42 living with partner, no kids.
- Single man, 39, no kids.
- Divorced dad, 45, with pre-teens lives with same-aged woman. She now has two step-sons who are not biologically related to her.
Of course, I know plenty of same-race, biological families that qualify as nuclear, and they have the comfort of their biological links and less confusing scenarios to manage. I’m not against nuclear families. Yet, everywhere I turn in Vancouver, I see families that don’t fit the accepted nuclear definition. We live in a city that shows off the cultural mashup to its best advantage, a place where difference is the norm, a place that redefines family. And I say hurrah for that.
You also live in a city that gives you natural examples of truly diverse family trees. Have you ever seen a nurse log in Stanley Park? The nurse log is usually one type of tree and the new tree or trees that grow from it are an entirely different type of tree. The nurse log provides a place for the new trees to germinate and survive – growing into something wonderful and entirely different than the tree which nursed it to life.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/sea-turtle/1253147589/sizes/l/
I would think from the outside looking in my own little family would appear to be a traditional nuclear family, but we’re not thanks to my side of the equation – where I know little about my own father and his family and then have a step-father who discovered unknown half-siblings when he was an adult so now I have step-sisters and many step-half-uncles, etc.
It’s all a little weird. But weird is the norm for many. I would bet, it’s fast becoming the majority if it’s not already.
Harriet,
I love your posts…although I am part of a big, fairly traditional family…2 of our nephews are adoptees and 2 are step kids…I agree that there are very few ‘traditional’ families left…and I for one am glad that there are such beautiful mashups!
Cheers and here’s to a wonderful year for you and your family!
Chris
I loved your LIST. I was like; OOOH add me please; “single Caucasian mom , adopted Black son, biracial donor assisted son….” then I remembered this isn’t about me.. But it is, and how REFRESHING for our children. And, when can we move there?!
You really live in a great community.
I love your posts. I always leave your blog wishing I could write posts like you.
We’re all just a google away…..I remember doing that online adoption course, and there was a segment that wanted us to point out the “diversity” in our neighbourhood and circle of family and friends. If they only knew. Oh, man, I kept looking for the this module doesn’t apply to us button, but there was none.
Hurrah, indeed.
Even though my own (current) family is nuclear, my family of origin was decidedly not. And I chafed against it. I think it’s long past time for that particular paradigm to disappear. Families are families are families, no matter what they look like.
I feel like the nuclear family is going extinct. And that’s kind of great. Look at all the variations you’ve mentioned! YAY for diversity! The more diverse the family structure, the more kids can learn from seeing these different cultures in schools and at extracurricular activities!
oh nuclear family- so overrated, who needs it to be nuclear i think just having family no matter how you create it is the way to go!
Hurrah!!
Yes, I love our city for this. And as common as it is for diverse families, we still come up against the expectation of what a cultural normal family should be.
I was asked today by a stranger if I have two different partners.
I have been told by a relative that I am going to live a life of heart break.
??????
Ok, moving on to enjoy my ‘ab’ normal family!
Well I think all parents live a life of heartbreak; it comes with the territory. Joy and sadness living in the same river and all
But yay for the cultural mashup!
It’s really odd that someone would say you *don’t* have a nuclear family because you’re not biologically related to your son. The difference between a nuclear family & say, an extended family is not about genetics, it’s about the relationships & how many of the family are living together. A nuclear family *is* what you have: mom, dad & child/ren living together, separate from grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. But all that aside, who cares?
I would sort of envision Theo’s family tree in three dimensions: one tree with you & your partner’s families & the other tree with Theo’s birth family. The two trees lean together; Theo’s branch has grown onto & joined your tree, just as trees do in nature when they’re next to each other for a long time.
Add us to your list. Caucasian mom and caucasian dad (married) – one daughter adopted locally (african-american birth father/caucasian birth mother), one biological daughter, dad has one son from a previous marriage living with us half-time and we also very sadly had one stillborn biological daughter. It makes me a mother to an adopted daughter, a biological daughter, and a step-son and a mother who has already lost a daughter. There is only so much you can plan in life and sometimes the happiest families are the ones who realize that. Love your blog.
Hurrah, indeed! Love this! We are two Caucasian parents with one adopted Filipina daughter (mine from my first marriage) and one adopted Thai daughter. My husband is my Filipina daughter’s step-dad, making her Thai sister her 1/2 sister, technically speaking. My Filipina daughter also has two 1/2 brothers from her father’s first marriage, and 3 step-brothers and sisters from her father’s 3rd marriage. Phew!
I’m very curious to see how our family evolves over time, since our adoption is pretty much closed – far from the current norm. Our son won’t have the same access to information or lineage or other family most of his adopted friends will have.
Of course, this might change over time.
“the comfort of their biological links and less confusing scenarios to manage”
LOL….I have “biological links” and they are at times more confusing than not!
I come from the nuclear family- two parents, two kids, a German Shepherd (whoops, not a Golden Retriever). I grew up with two parents who never got along; never showed a good example of a solid partnership/marriage; never agreed upon child rearing or discipline or philosophy; divorced in my 20′s, and my sister and I asked “what TOOK YOU SO LONG!”.
A family is a family- no matter what color, gender, etc. I’m a child of the so-called nuclear family and it’s not been the most positive of upbringings.
Just my two cents.:)
[...] that adoptive families could never be nuclear families. So I explored that idea and decided that saying goodbye to that ideal was fine by [...]