For adoptive mothers, there is always another mother to acknowledge on Mother’s Day whether overtly through cards or a phone call or quietly through prayer or silent thoughts. I would not be a mother if our son’s birthmother hadn’t made the difficult, gut-wrenching decision to place her child for adoption. Here is a list of thoughts about this complex relationship from me, an adoptive mother.
We think about you a lot.
You are very important to us.
We are not immune from feeling grief, loss and pain despite being the daily parents of the child you gave birth to.
We do not think what you did was shameful or wrong. You did what thousands of teenagers across the world and throughout time have done. It’s normal and natural.
We do not think negatively of you or look down on you ever. If anything, we are in awe of you, of your beauty, your youth, your fertility and the fundamental fact that gave life.
We are sometimes intimidated by you. We may be the active, day-to-day parents but you gave birth to our child and your blood flows through him. You may become the most important person in his life at some point and that can hurt at times.
We hope you don’t feel guilty. Your child is happy, confident, well adjusted and deeply loved. He will know and understand that you did this for him.
We always protect your identity and defend the reputation of all birthmothers in public. We try to give people insight into the complexities and unique circumstances of every adoption.
We believe that what you did will allow you to be a teenager and free you up to pursue your goals.
We hope that this adoption does not deter you from having a family in the future. Don’t think that because you placed one child for adoption that having more children will hurt him.
We never undervalue your role in our lives. Without you, we would not be a family.
Yes!! You are a mother because of another mother. I get that. This is so lovely and well written tribute to birth mothers.
Blessings to all mothers no matter if they are birth or adoptive or simply one’s who love well and true.
*Sniff, tear*… Lovely!
It’s a beautiful letter. I hope Theo’s birthmother or family reads this. They would absolutely love it!
Happy Mother’s Day!
beautiful
And now you’re making ME teary. Not fair! Truly beautiful thoughts for Mother’s Day.
As a former foster kid, I saw many unwanted kids who would have loved a home to call their own. Every kid deserves to have parents who love them regardless of DNA. I had a godmother who became my foster mom and my kids grandma. Sadly she died a few years ago. We did not share blood but something deeper in love and respect for one another.
Happy Mother’s Day to you. You aree the best kind of mom. One who wanted to be a mom.
Thank you.
this is beautiful – Theo is such a bright star and has such a wonderful family
It is a tough day for many of us birth-mothers – almost as tough as birthdays and in some ways maybe more so because it’s a public holiday instead of a private day like birthdays. For me, there is also an element of it being a day of celebration of something I just could not do (which may be more true for birth-mothers who don’t go on to have more children).
I used to get the most lovely Thank-you cards from my daughters mom on Mother’s Day (just from her to me – from mom to mother) … they really did make me feel better
Thank you for your words. You understand what this means to your birth-mother and that is a brilliant thing for her and for your whole family. *Hug*
As an adopted son in his 30s with children of his own, this message is very touching. I now know who my birth mother is even though I haven’t been able to find her or contact her but I am still silently grateful for her sacrifice.
She was only 17 years old when she gave birth to me and could easily have gotten an abortion to get my unwanted conception out of the way.
I’ll always be grateful to her for making the right choice and giving me a chance to flourish. My mother is also grateful because ovarian cancer took away her ability to have kids of her own at an early age (26).
Thanks for writing this.
Beautifully said…. And so true…… Thank you for verbalizing how I feel about my son’s first mom…
I love this. The honesty and the beauty.
Well done, H, on a lot of fronts.
That is lovely.
I love this. It is so honest and real. A birth mother plays a very important role. You’ve hit the nail on the head with every statement you’ve made.
Thanks for this post, I shared it with my husband.
Well written and heartfelt. Happy Mother’s Day to you and to Theo’s birthmother.
This is really wonderful. Again, I breathe a deep sigh when I read your words because it’s like you’re reading my mind (if my mind were more literate, of course!). I think I will read this post to MY Theo’s birth mom. Thanks.
I am so, so late to this party, but I couldn’t let this post pass without comment.
It’s beautiful, and poignant, and I love it.
Happy belated Mother’s Day!
[...] Mother’s Day is bittersweet: Read my Open Letter to Birthmothers. [...]