I was at a wonderful adoptive parents meetup, and a pre-adoptive parent asked us each “What surprised you most about adoption?” The first thing I thought was, what a fantastic question! I can only speak for the beginning as Theo is only two (well almost, let’s not rush it).
This little guy changed our lives!
What surprised me about adoption
We had to take care of a baby! After all our pre-adoption preparation, we had paid scant attention to the task of being a mom and a dad. Regardless of how you arrive at being a family, you still have to deal with the radical changes that accompany being new parents: lack of sleep, relentlessly poopy diapers, teething, snotty noses, negotiating with your partner for time off, food issues, tears and more tears (yours and theirs), and all of the nitty gritty on-the-ground realities of parenthood. Thankfully, we had lots of family and friend support to help us navigate those initial months. Now, I enjoy tapping into mom communities on and offline to check in on developmental milestones (When do kids start putting their shoes on backwards? and Does “oh oh” count as a real word?)
We stand out! Mark and I were already a mixed race couple. We were used to people asking him where he was from but at the same time, we felt perfectly normal in the scheme of Vancouver’s cultural makeup. When we added Theo to the mix, we were prepared for stares and questions. When we’re out, we’re on display whether we like it or not and it doesn’t stop just because we feel totally normal. When you least expect it, someone will ask where he is from or tell me that he looks like so-and-so from wherever or ask where we got him. We’re used to it but we’re crossing into a new stage where Theo will start understanding and getting questions himself, and we need to prepare for it.
We look different but we all like a good belly laugh.
Open adoption is complex and emotional: Despite being 100% behind open adoption and loving our son’s birthfamily, the process of receiving Theo and negotiating visits added a layer of emotional pain to all of our lives that no one was prepared for. Even now, I have no idea how our relationship will unfold over time. I have a vision of what I’d like to see and feel but I don’t control the future. There is no template for open adoption, only a few who’ve gone before, and the ways of doing and being in an open adoption are so varied, it’s up to everyone involved to figure our something that works. We’re all newbies fumbling our way towards equilibrium.
Sadness and joy flow in the same river: We went through a lot of pain enroute to becoming a family, and many tears fell during the first year of Theo’s life. But as the saying goes, joy and sadness flow in the same river. We discovered, as all parents do, that nothing compares to the embrace of a two-year-old who’s noticed that you have an owie and wants to make it better or the ecstatic giggling of a naked toddler jumping on the couch or the hilarity of a barely comprehensible rendition of ABC at top volume. But more than that, caring above all else for another human being forced us to dig deeper than we’d had to, to put our son’s needs above our own, and find places of love and strength we never knew existed.
What surprised you about becoming a parent through adoption or otherwise?
LOVE that picture. Seriously, have it framed.
Also, I am appreciating your recap. Till next time!
Just stumbled on your blog from open adoption bloggers…and love love love it!! I totally feel you on all of those except for standing out.
love this: “Sadness and joy flow in the same river” YES. and this was never more evident for me than in open adoption.
love that photo of you all together too. just precious.
and we’ve had our moments of the loudest ABCs ever by a 2yo while checking out at the grocery store. hilarious!
oh boy (lovely post btw)
i was surprised by
a. how fiercely i could love another human being
b. how easy it was initially (i know, don’t hate!) but just as one thing slots into place another one tumbles out, and how it doesn’t get harder but gets different each and every week
c. how much of a personality one so small can have
d. how profound and wise one so small can be
e. how motivated one so small can make me feel
Oh yes, I should have added a) and c) and d) and e)! You are a wise woman Po Mo!
GREAT post. And Mama you always share a) c) d) and e) in your writing, pictures, and choices Mama!
What surprised me was how learning to show up as a transracial parent was a LARGER learning curve and just as lifelong as being a new parent.
I love how you describe the pure craziness of just being a new Mama and Papa. I suppose I was surprised at how easy my intuition was around meeting #1′s needs, but that didn’t mean meeting those needs was easy!
One thing that surprised me was that I now have so many new friends that also adopted at our agency. There was this whole community that welcomed me. It’s so nice to have mom friends that understand and that our children all get to grow up together. I wasn’t expecting that. I love them.
I totally agree. I feel like there’s a big post in there. My newfound meetup group is THE BEST. Talk about ebing totally understood and not having to explain yourself. Wonderful.
I really enjoyed our last meetup – wasn’t that a great question? Did you ever got to any of those parenting classes – it was mostly about issues that come up while you are parenting — so I’m not sure why we went when we didn’t have a child yet. Pointless really. Because even after we brought our son home, it would have been helpful to have a classes on what the hell do I do with a newborn after you get home. I don’t know about menfolk, but I had a heck of a time trying to adjust to being a mother after NOT being one for years! I mourned the loss being able to just physically move about in the world without someone attached to me.
The picture of the three of you is amazing. I love it.
What surprised me most about parenting is that it is so unrelenting. There are moments when I don’t think I can handle another moment, and then of course I can. And then, there are the beautiful moments. Of love and joy that are so pure and wonderful, that the exhaustion and frustrations wash away.
what a fabulous post harriet!!
1. i had such a poignant realization in the first few weeks of wyatt’s life that we all started this way – the guy living on the street, my favorite teacher, people walking by me each day. they all started out as perfect little beings… it is such a responsibility to guide the life of a little human.
2. being AMA (advanced maternal age) brings with it almost equal amounts of wisdom, peace and bone crumbling tiredness…
I know. I look at Theo sometimes and I think, wow, he’s perfect in every way. how do we keep this going?
AMA – I like that one! Sooooo true.
I think that actually having to PARENT surprises all new parents. Through my first pregnancy I was too worried about birth to think much beyond it. Actually having a baby to care for ALL THE TIME was a huge adjustment and one I wasn’t totally ready for. Although I don’t think anyone can be ready for it, really. It’s something you have to live to understand.
I also couldn’t have conceived of how much poop would be in my life. Just so much poop. And how much I would actually be INTERESTED in that poop. Who knew?
The standing out is one of the hardest. I didn’t get many questions with my son. But now with my daughter, when we are out we put our adoption on the fore front for everyone to know about us and feel like they need to ask questions. So far, people have assumed she was Ethiopian, Nigerian, Haitian, and more. We really have no clue, we know she is from North Carolina. People don’t seem satisfied with that answer. I also don;t want her space to be intruded on, we answer quickly and walk on. If we linger, it just seems that people feel they need to ask more.
i plead guilty to putting my hands in theo’s hair. but i know him have done the same to anna.
You’re allowed