When reading Somebody’s Child, an un-put-downable collection of 25 short personal stories on adoption, I was unexpectedly struck by Beth Grosart’s Abandoned but Loved. Unexpected because on the surface, it has nothing in common with our local, open adoption.
Beth was a well-adjusted, happy 26-year-old when her parents took her to visit the Korean orphanage she was adopted from. Since she was girl, her parents had told her a heartwarming narrative about how she flew half way around the world as a baby to join her family in the US, and how her birthmother loved her so much, she wanted to give a better life .
When they arrive at the orphanage, an administrator looks her up in a book and says out loud that Beth was “abandoned by her mother at the hospital in 1982.” The word abandoned shocks and stuns her. She feels devastated and confused realizing that her birthmother did not lovingly place her for adoption like she’d heard all her life. Beth can’t regain her composure. She feels a hole open up inside her but doesn’t say anything and blindly follows her parents around the orphanage feeling shattered.
I’ve always disliked the word abandoned just like I dislike the word unwanted in relation to adoption. Whenever I hear it, I think that a mother (or father) at her wits end, was so desperate, the only thing she can think to do was leave the baby on the orphanage steps, at a hospital or police station or roadside where the baby will be found. Even local stories of babies in left in dumpsters or bathrooms point to a person without hope, without means, who acted out of fear and desperation. To me, it doesn’t mean they did not, or could not, care, love or wish a healthy future for their baby.
But what I learned from the story is that sugarcoating our children’s beginnings does not serve them well in the long run. If you know something about your child’s history that is uncomfortable, at some point, you need to tell them, so they can grieve it, accept it, and move from there. The worst thing is for them to find out later and feel duped.
Now, that’s easy for me to say given we don’t have a difficult history to contend with but I have grappled with how to explain his adoption to Theo. First off all, part of me wants to keep him in this toddler cocoon where he only thinks of us as his parents. I also want to use the right words. I don’t want to say, “Your birthparents were too young” (What? Young people can’t be parents?). I don’t want to say, “They placed you for adoption because they loved you.” (If they loved me, why did they place me for adoption?). Nor do I want to use the “better life line,” which leads to all kinds of questions. But I do know that when the time comes, I will start by telling Theo that his birthparents made a brave and difficult decision to find him a couple who were ready and able to be his parents, and that all of us love him very much.
Somebody’s Child, Stories about Adoption (TouchWood Editions) was edited by Bruce Gillespie and Lynne Van Luven.
Recommended reading: Telling the Truth to Your Adopted or Foster Child: Making Sense of the Past
How have you approached talking about adoption or difficult information with your children?
Great post. My nephew has some uncomfortable things in his early beginnings, and I know my brother and his wife struggle with what and when they will tell him.
Totally agree with this:
I don’t want to say, “Your birthparents were too young” (What? Young people can’t be parents?). I don’t want to say, “They placed you for adoption because they loved you.” (If they loved me, why did they place me for adoption?).
The story book I made for the Boy tells his story in a simple and straightforward way. We don’t know why he was placed. His story just says the woman who gave birth to him was not able to raise him so she asked an adoption agency to find a family who will take care of him and love him forever.
Love that. Just the fact sma’am!
Harriet Fancott harriet@karmavore.com
I’m still grappling with the telling our Wee Guy about his early days – he needs to know but he also needs a modicum of sense so he can deal with it out in the big wide world. He knows some things and he’s seen the pictures, including the one which I thought would be the last one I ever took of him (it wasn’t – insert smiley emoticon).
I struggle with working out when is the right time. I will probably never know and I will probably screw him up over it somehow.
But – that’s what being a parent is all about.
Excellent post, Harriet btw!
Yes it does help US grow as people, that’s for sure.
Harriet Fancott harriet@karmavore.com
I love this post’s conclusion. A pet peeve of mine is when people begin advice beginning with either a vocal or implicit “just.” Just pick your chin up! Just go get ‘em! Just do it! If it were “just” that easy, it would have been done already. That word tends to preface advice that says what, not how, and to boil complex situations into tiny, oversimplified matters.
Your post does the opposite of that. Its conclusion honors the complexity of the task, as well as reflecting a kind of compassion and insight that will make life better for Theo and all those around him for the rest of his life. It’s rare I read words that make me so breathe a sigh of relief as these ones, so . . . I’m savoring this feeling, and so thankful you wrote about this.
This is a great post, and speaks right to the the heart of it – how can we give our children the honesty they deserve but balance it with our desire to shield them from things that feel so difficult to put onto a young child?
With our son, we settled on talking about how there are things we want and things we need. Our family doesn’t have everything we want but we always have what we need. His first family didn’t have everything they needed, so they looked for a family who could make sure he did.
But no matter how good our stories are, there’s nothing that makes this easy.
You really are a wise woman.
Harriet Fancott harriet@karmavore.com
Yes she is.
After a storm of tears this morning from one of mine, the world is sunny. I don’t know how we do this, but we are sticking to the facts, addressing as things come up, and leaving lots of room for tears, rage, questions, honesty, growth and then healing. Lots and lots of healing.
I’ll keep you posted…ask me in 15 years.
You are the on-the-ground role-model Tova. And I hear ya, who know’s what the future brings?
I wrote a really long comment that wordpress ate (stupid wordpress!).
but you inspired me to write a post (yay you!):
http://lifefromhere.wordpress.com/2012/03/16/left-unsaid/
I think you nailed it about how sugar-coating doesn’t serve our kids in the long run. I’m still trying to find the words for the more difficult aspects to Jaye’s story, and trying to determine how proactive I need to be vs. waiting for the questions to come. they say kids only ask what they’re prepared to know, but obviously it’s up to us to find a way to tell their story, at least the parts that are ours to tell.
thanks for the thought-provoking post!
So far, have been straightforward with my amazing daughter but have not used the specifics about possible abandonment. Am trying to focus a lot on how grateful I am that her dad and I have the chance to raise her and that I appreciate that she is alive and came to us. Her story is her story and it is what it is. I agree, honesty is important and I want to fully support her in knowing whatever she can handle knowing, in all its messiness. Truth and honesty are precious.
How old do you think Theo will be when you broach the topic with him? I know some kids actually approach their adopted parents first, and ask the tough questions. You never know, he could initiate the dialogue himself!
My understanding, it’s not until kids are about 6 that they really start to get it and 9 before they might have deep questions. Of course, we are introducing great little adoption books NOW but cognitively, he’s more about TRUCKS than the complexity of birth and so on! But I think you are right. I can’t leave it to his birthparents to explain their rationale. In fact, it’s my responsibility to take that on.
Harriet Fancott harriet@karmavore.com
Taking a deep breath and being thankful I still have some time.
[...] of stories, Harriet at See Theo Run inspired Luna’s post (above)with hers, Talking About Difficult Information: What I learned from the story is that sugarcoating our children’s beginnings does not serve them [...]
Hi. I came over from Lori’s blog Write Mind Open Heart. I’m an adoptee, who knew my entire life that I was adopted (twenty points for my adoptive parents). I was raised in a closed adoption and went looking for my biological parents when I was 22. It’s been a wild ride ever since then.
My adoptive parents never told me the sticky parts of my adoption (minus ten points). They told me my biological mother was young and poor, and that was why she gave me up for adoption. They knew but didn’t tell me that she kept her pregnancy a secret from everyone. They also didn’t tell me that my biological father was known and also surrendered (and they had information about him too). They knew lots of things but didn’t tell me and they came as a complete shock when I found my paperwork at 22 (four years after I expected it from my parents).
I understand why my adoptive mother did it. She wanted to protect me because she loves me so much and doesn’t want to see me get hurt. But I was so shocked and I wasn’t prepared for what I found… married biological parents who never told anyone about me and two years later still haven’t though we’re in contact at least once a month.
I get why people edit. I really do. And I haven’t been in that situation so like you say in the post, it’s hard to say “you should do this” if you haven’t been there. But from someone who’s been on the other side and has faced some not-so-nice consequences of not being told, I’m on the side of don’t edit as your children get older. I’m not saying tell a five year old that their mother’s a drug addict or something (whatever the case may be). But as they get older, start slipping in some details in an age appropriate way. Looking back, my parents had lots of opportunities over the years that they let go by and I’ve had to deal with all of this now on top of getting to know my biological parents.
Fantastic post!
I really appreciate your comment. Love hearing from adoptees who know first-hand what it’s like to know or not know their history and the people in it. Can’t wait to explore your blog!
Uggh it is soo hard to know what to say. I try not to think about it too much. I also know that his birth mom will be around to help with some of telling that story. I’m just so thankful that we have so many more resources and information about the affect on adoptees than people did in the past.
And you are the most open adoption I’ve seen. Funny eh? We’re both doing it pretty well but it’s still hard to picture how the conversation will go when the penny drops.
Harriet Fancott harriet@karmavore.com