Theo is three-and-a-half and has the vaguest grip on what adoption and race mean. Despite Skyping with his birthmom and nana after Christmas coupled with our explanations of this birthfamily relationship, he never repeats it back or acknowledges it. He knows that many of his friends were adopted, and we read to him regularly about adoption but he rarely says much about it. He knows he is brown, Dad is brown, and I am white but seems to be over his vocal fascination with all brown people.
Brown like Dad but sliiiightly different hair.
Theo is taking swimming lessons, which means we’re back at the pool where last time I was asked “where I got Theo.” At this week’s lesson, Theo saw an Asian girl in the water, pointed to her and yelled “Mom! Mom! She adopted? That Alex?” I’m still trying to sort that one out because we don’t have a friend named Alex who is Asian and adopted. We also live in a place with a strong Asian population so being Asian is not associated with adoption.
Moments later, a little boy, almost 4, in his class, asked Theo why he’s brown. I could see Theo say something and laugh as they entered the water with their instructor. After class, in the hot tub, I asked him if the little boy asked him why he was brown (pondering explaining some basic biology around his relationship to his birthparents…), and Theo said: “NO! He want to know “why I white … I brown!” Clearly, something got lost in translation. So I just left it as “Everyone’s different.”
Things go even juicier when Theo noticed a severely disabled man and yelled “Mom! Mom! He dead?!” Completely mortified, I fell back on my “everyone’s different” explanation and then added a bit about feelings. He then spotted a short man with Down’s Syndrome and yelled: “Mom! Mom! That man a smaaaaalll man, a smaaaaaalll man?!” To which I replied, “Yes he is. But remember, not everyone wants to be pointed and yelled at because everyone’s different and everyone has feelings.”
The morning at the pool made me realize that the questions people ask Theo or me are tiny and manageable in the scheme of things. I have a strong, healthy, friendly child and we can answer questions openly and confidently as they arrive. There are people battling severe disabilities who have to endure the stares and discomfort of strangers on a daily basis.
How do you talk about differences to your young children?
We had a lot of the “Why am I brown?” stuff with Mara and my answer is always something like, “Because you were born from your mom Veronica’s body and she and your dad have brown skin. People like you with that kind of brown skin are called ‘black’ and your people mostly came from Africa.” She knows her biracial friend has a mom with brown skin and a dad with white skin and that her Indian-born friend has two parents from India who are brown like him. But I’m still not always sure what that awareness adds up to, really.
I find with a 3.5 year old A+B+C ineveitably leads to something like 87. But I like it! Putting down the grooves, laying down tracks!
Our Lilli is 16 months so we have a little but of time before this comes up, but seeing different language for describing race and difference is so helpful! Lilli is biracial Latina, I’m Filipino and dad is white so I’ almost more worried that the questions won’t come up because she appears as though she could be our bio daughter.
I remember so clearly when one of my kids..I think the older one..saw a black man and said “Mommy, that man is wearing a COSTUME and it’s not even Halloween!” at full volume. Oy.
My kids have the same skin colour..sort of..one is super pale and the other more Mediterranean olive ..but don’t really look alike, so we can have plenty of conversations about peoples’ differences using our own family as examples. My dad is Italian..darker skin, etc. Daddy has no hair. You have blond hair. Your brother has brown hair.
The other stuff, disabilities and body shapes and stuff..yeah, it comes down to we are all different. Everybody thinks differently. Bodies work differently. And we all have different likes and dislikes. Isn’t it wonderful! Imagine if we all looked the same. How boring and confusing that would be.
Wow. KIDS! Thanks for the tips. Live that last paragraph and also the idea of pointing out our individual differences in a more precise way.
Right now, we’re taking things as they come. We haven’t gotten many questions from Li’l D so far–just that one comment that “dark” is bad–which we addressed by saying that beautiful is beautiful, no matter what color or shape. I am curious what conversations are to come, and certain I’ll learn at least as much from them as the little guy.
Absolutely! And this age is so interesting!
I wonder when this stage is going to start for us? So far, Sprout hasn’t ever commented on anyone’s appearance. He notices changes on me, like when I do my hair really differently, but maybe doesn’t have the language skills to explain how it’s different. Good post!
As usual, a fabulous piece of writing. You make an excellent point – it is so easy for me to become enmeshed in and enraged by the occasional insensitive comment about race, adoption and associated assumptions. So much of the writing on adoption (Im not lumping you into this sweeping generalization!) focuses on the difficult things – dealing with racism, adjustment issues,attachment issues, difficulties with bonding and so on. All of these are important issues, to be sure, but they put a certain slant on adoption as a whole. Sometimes I struggle to remember that view of adoption and race and difference does not define my family – at the heart of it we are two happy parents with a happy, regular kid. Everyone has their occasional challenges, and we are thus no different in that respect, and are well equipped to deal with them. And as you so eloquently said, there are those
whose lot is far more difficult. Thank you for the
probably far more difficult.
remember
Oops. the perils of typing on a phone…thank you for the reminder…thats what i meant!
there will come a day when Theo will pose a question or have a statement about adoption that you didn’t expect, for me it happens while we are driving in the car … random thoughts about adoption … Like you, we talk about our family story from when our girls were born so it’s a natural dialogue in our home too. It is just part of who we are as a family … For our eldest (now 6) I think she started to talk and ask questions when she was closer to 4 our younger daughter (now 4) has started younger because of big sister. And now the conversations are more complex as they have a better understanding.
Okay, this made me laugh out loud: “Mom! Mom! He dead?!”
At least it’s never boring, right?
I am quite honestly looking forward to the teen years, as a chance to re-pay the embarrassment my children provided me with during their preschool years.
The dead comment led to an even odder discussion about how we are all alive because we breath. Theo started yelling “we not alive!!!” Alrighty then…
Ah yes, the pool. I think I already commented here about when Eve asked the woman in the change room if she was a Grandma and when the woman said yes Eve said happily “I guessed that ‘cuz you’re old”. I didn’t do anything different from what you’re doing. What else is there, other than going everywhere with a roll of duct tape?
Oh, I love that picture!
We haven’t reached that point yet; Abby’s so busy pointing out who’s a man and who’s a woman that she doesn’t seem to care about anything else so far. It’s something we need to think about, though.
I love how you handle things.
I am constantly talking to my kids about differences. I take every opportunity to remind them that “everyone is different”. Having a full sleeve tattoo gave me a good base for it…
I also I wanted to say that I find the pool a very vulnerable place. There are people from all walks of life, all shapes and sizes, different abilities and disabilities. On top of that everyone is baring their bodies and getting dressed and undressed. Children, adults, seniors all in one place surrounded by water. If there is anywhere to teach kids about diversity it is at the pool. I’m always acutely aware and somewhat guarded when I’m there.
Yes! The pool is the best for this – we live in North Van (big lack of diversity in skin colours/shapes/sizes/abilities) and have been known to go to the “new” pool at Nat Bailey which always provides more interesting discussion than the pools over here:) I am not “white” and my family background is not Canadian, but my husband and kids are – lots of opportunities for discussing differences, but we’re only really getting into it in a thoughtful way now that my daughter is in kindergarten.
this is so fascinating. as a blended family — one bio and one adopted child — we are hyper-aware and already acknowledging differences based on our 3.5yo’s questions and observations. she hasn’t mentioned skin color yet, she’s more focused on hair and eyes and the anatomical differences between boys and girls. but we’ve talked about disabilities, how bodies work differently, how people in wheelchairs or with canes need some extra help to get around, how her (ill) grandma gets tired, etc.
It sounds like Theo and Emily are continuing along the same developmental paths. She’s fascinated with noticing different amounts of brown: I’m not brown at all, she’s a little brown and her papa and big sister are a little more brown, but not as brown as our neighbours…
One day in our doctor’s waiting room, a woman wearing niqab (face covering garment worn by some Muslim women) sat beside us and Emily asked me in her very loud whisper if this woman was a monster! Gah. I tried to remind her about feelings and explain that she is a person but wears different clothes than us.
In our community, we’re mostly Asian and Caucasian, but our clinic has a lot of Muslim patients, so like the pool, it’s a good opportunity for interesting conversations…
Oh yes… Theo went through a big “Dat man a MONSTER?” phases as well. Of course, monster is KIND OF a compliment in their world. Ahem…
Similar to Theo, I am an African American child adopted by a Caucasian father and Filipino mother. Now that I’m older (26) I appreciate the diverse lifestyle I was brought up in. Color means nothing to me and never has. I embrace the cultures I have been introduced to and consider myself blessed and fortunate to have been placed in a multicultural family. As a child people stared at my family and often asked if we were together when in public. Looking past those encounters only allows for the appreciation of my upbringing in such a wonderful family. I can honestly say that if I could change the life I’ve lived, I’d have it no other way. My parents have opened my eyes and given me the world. Interracial adoption is a beautiful thing!!
Thank you so much! I do love our little family and hope our son is as happy as you are when he grows up ;-O