See Theo Run

I’ve been a strong supporter of open adoption for many years. However, being in one has been a lot more difficult emotionally than any of us anticipated. I mentioned this in a blog post, and Jan Fishler, an adult adoptee and author, responded by sending me a copy of her book, Searching for Jane, Finding Myself, which centres on her search for her birthmother. She stressed that our open adoption was absolutely essential, and no adoptee should have to endure the sense of abandonment, shame and grief that plagued her until well into adulthood.

Jan’s debut novel is a raw, painful account of a girl growing up in the era of closed adoptions. It’s a memoir, a portrait of mid-century middle-class family life, and a riveting mystery with a surprising conclusion.

Baby Jan was placed for adoption with her Jewish parents in the 1940s and grew up in an emotionally repressed environment that shunned open communication. Her mother was meticulously turned out at all times, loved a strong drink, and smoked while ironing.  While Jan knew she was adopted from a young age, her parents never talked to her about it, avoiding the subject completely as they had been advised by the agency. When young Jan got up the nerve to ask about her birthmother, her mother told her that she had died in childbirth. For years, Jan thought she was the cause of her mother’s death.

Here is a quote from Jan about the culture of closed adoption:

“The most insidious aspect of adoption is its invisibility. At the very heart of adoption is a world that can be permeated by loss, shaped by lies and deception, cloaked in shame and guilt, surrounded by abandonment, and shrouded by fear, anger, and grief.”

The ensuing years saw Jan jump from town to town and relationship to relationship filling her emptiness with alcohol and struggling with anxiety and depression always wondering who she was and where she came from. Years of therapy helped her cope, and she did marry and raise two children. But the hole inside her was always there.

While raising her two young children, Jan embarks on a wild goose chase to track down her birthmother full of potholes, wrong turns and bent signposts. Eventually, she makes headway leading to a series of shocking discoveries, which I won’t reveal because the ending is so remarkable.

I recommend this book to adoptees that have searched or are searching for their birthfamily, birthmothers, and anyone involved in an open or closed adoption. It serves as a potent reminder of the importance of knowing where you came from, for better or for worse. I also found it illuminating simply as an adult to think back on my own personal history and how it helped shape the person I am today.

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Many people have asked me to explain open adoption. But first I need to talk about closed adoption. Most adoptions prior to the last 15 to 20 years were closed. If you are over 30, you probably know someone who was adopted in this manner: a friend, family member, colleague or celebrity (Sarah McLaughlin).

In many cases, just like the movies,  a young pregnant women was sent off to a “home for unwed mothers” where she gave birth, and had the baby taken away to be placed for adoption in a middle class household –  the “shameful incident” may never have been spoken of again. To boot, prior to 1996 in BC, adoption records were sealed making it impossible for adoptees or birthparents to find each other or have any questions answered. Adoptees wanted to know their biological and/or cultural roots as well as medical history. Birthmothers wondered about their children, where they went, and how they were doing.

When adoption records were opened, many adoptees, who were often in their 30s to 50s, sought out their birthparents with mixed results. Some felt great relief at meeting someone who looked like them or shared similar mannerisms or likes and dislikes. Others found the chasm between where they came from and where they were now too deep. A gay friend of mine in his 40s met his birthmother only to discover she was homophobic. Despite this disappointment, he does not regret meeting her.

And there are birthmothers who do not want contact often because their spouse, children or family do not know about the adoption. A friend’s daughter, now 19 and an only child, recently discovered she is has six full biological siblings but her birthmother does not want contact because the children do not know about her. She is disheartened.

Two friends from large families discovered they each had an older sibling who was placed for adoption because their parents were not married yet. These people found out about their siblings when they were adults. Both have met their “new” siblings and are gingerly forging a relationship.

Closed adoptions are inherent in international adoption where most children come from orphanages or foster homes. Nowadays, adoptees are going back to their countries of origins and finding family members. I know of a Romanian teenager who found her birthmother and eight siblings. As we know, China’s one-child policy put families in the difficult position of leaving their children near their local orphanages to avoid fines and punishment by the authorities. These children may have living birthparents and may try to find them.

So .. what does this have to do with open adoption? When Mark and I decided to adopt, we wanted our child to know where he came from. Little did we know just how open it would be. My next post will delve into open adoption.

Do you have any thoughts on closed adoption?

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