Historically, media and society have judged birthparents harshly questioning how women could “give their children away” or calling their morals into question. Lately, I’ve been reading a lot of thoughtful and poignant articles from the birthmother’s perspective such as this New York Time article, Open Adoption; Not So Simple Math
However, I wondered how a birthparent must feel faced with this article from the UK Guardian, one of the world’s most reputable newspapers: Adopted children face anguish as birth parents stalk them on Facebook. Ouch. The headline makes it look like birthparents across the land are stalking adopted children. That said, the article itself is thorough, well-documented and raises the important issue of the effect of social media on privacy in vulnerable relationships.
The crux of the article is as follows:
The natural parents of adopted children are increasingly using Facebook and other social networking sites to track down their offspring, flouting the usual controls and safeguards. Adoption agencies are reporting huge numbers of calls from “deeply distressed” adoptive parents whose children have been contacted out of the blue.
It’s worth noting that the kids featured in the article appear to be in closed adoptions through social services where there is no contact with birthparents.
My disjointed thoughts about privacy & openness:
1) Anyone can stalk, and anyone can be stalked on facebook. Pedophiles, angry ex-husbands/wives, jilted lovers, estranged siblings, children of divorce. Stalking is not limited to birthparents.
2) If your child is on facebook, they are old enough to know all the details around their adoption no matter how difficult. Ideally, they have been introduced to parts of it as they grew up so by the time they are young adults, they are ready to hear the full story. By knowing the facts of their adoption, they are less likely to be blindsided by a message from a birthparent no matter what the circumstances of their adoption.
3) Parents want to protect their children, but they also want to protect themselves from difficult conversations. All adoptions occur because someone got pregnant, which leads directly to a discussion about sex, and few parents relish that one. The adoption may have occurred for other reasons such as abuse, which would be hard to talk about and remain respectful to the child’s own genetic and biological heritage.
4) Facebook and social media have eroded personal privacy, and young adults are particularly vulnerable. But they will all participate. It’s part of modern life; they need to be aware of the pitfalls and proceed with caution.
5) There is an upside to facebook’s loose controls. Adoptees have found their birthparents on facebook and had successful reunions. The following examples involved adults.
- How I found my biological family through facebook
- Facebook helps Duncan woman find her birth mother 50 kilometres north in Nanaimo
How good are you at difficult conversations?
I am not so good at difficult discussions, I’m afraid. Although I won’t be dealing with this one, I do find it hard to know how much information my children need, and how much is too much. It’s a constant balancing act. All the same, that does not mean that I can just avoid ever discussing hard topics. That’s what parenting is about, really, is trying to figure it all out and maybe never doing it completely perfectly, but giving it your best shot all the same.
While I don’t enjoy having difficult discussions, I’ve never let it hold me back. I’ve had many friends tell me I’m blunt. Maybe that natural bluntness helps me when it comes to talking about things I’d rather not. I just swallow my discomfort and plunge forth.
I don’t have to worry about an adoption discussion in my future but there are some other discussions that are looming for me as a parent. I’m aware of them and I’ve already had pretend conversations on those topics in my head as a way of prepping myself.
Wow. Food for thought! I think I’m going to need a manual to navigate some of the difficult conversations that are in my future…
You just reminded me that I have a difficult discussion to “schedule”. I think the difficult discussions with the scope of our open adoption (with my bio family, chosen fam, birth fam), have made some of the other ones a lot “easier”.
As always the clarity and measured approach of your writing is like butter on the bread of our collective soul Mama!
I’m good at difficult conversations. What I’m terrible at are secrets. I loathe secrets. Especially of the adoption nature. I have a sister I’m not supposed to know about and she’s twenty-two and I’m friends with her on facebook (she was secretly adopted by relatives), and it’s all I can do not to say anything. I want the difficult conversation…. In the meantime, I don’t feel I deserve any of her trust because of withholding this stuff from her, even if supposedly, it’s not my secret to tell.
It all comes out in the end, you know? Hiding stuff just makes the difficult discussions more difficult.
I’m currently living in the land of difficult conversations – answering questions from my 4 year old about his dad’s recent death… it is very challenging to know just how much information to provide.
On the adoption front, my parents began telling me about my adoption I guess before I was old enough to know anything else. I’ve always known I was adopted and they told me it was because my birth mother was very very young… too young to care for me. As I grew up I learned that she had been 13 when I was born but I don’t recall ever questioning sex or how she got pregnant.
If Facebook had been around when I was a teen I might have had the opportunity to meet her; she died 11 years ago but I know she tried to find me when I turned 18 or 19. Truthfully I wasn’t ready to meet her then, though… it’s why I never looked for her until I had a child of my own.
I think you brought up an excellent point about the age of the child on Facebook. If they’re old enough to be on Facebook, they should know everything about their adoption and be in a position to handle this sort of situation.
This is just another example of why open adoptions are so great. No secrets. No mystery. No blindsides.
I’m not so worried about the traditional difficult conversations ie. sex, death – I worked as a vet pre-baby and have had those kind of convos with all sorts of people. I know the comparative sexual positions, behaviours, anatomy of half a dozen species or more – humans are just another mammal sexually. He’s already ‘caught us at it’ and wanted no more explanation than why we were bouncing the bed! Divorce: we’ve covered that and explaining that fave uncle will no longer be in his life because of it! Death: we have family pets on their natural life spans and we’ve lost an entire tank of tropical fish!! He asks, I explain or vice versa depending on his behaviour, then he takes as much from the little chat as he needs – quite often it’s less than I expect.
The conversations which are difficult are the emotional ones – I want to let the Wee Guy know about beliefs, feelings, sympathy and so on without prejudicing him with my own opinions. How do I include the emotional aspect of sex, religion, social interaction into these conversations to impress on him that none of these activities occur in a vacuum, that all need interaction with other people, with people you will care about and in return will care about you? As a total hermit and recluse, that is what I find difficult.
I think frank openness is definitely the way to go IMO, whether it’s about bed bouncing or adoption issues. Children seem to grow with what they know/experience, and the earlier they know it then the better they grow on the whole.
Assuming that your child knows all about their adoption and some of the information, the issue of Facebook contact is whether or not your child wants to be contacted by their birth parents and their birth parents families.
While we didn’t have an open adoption (we adopted publicly through CAS when our kids were older) it may of well has functioned as such. Our kids knew their mother’s name and had memories of family and a whole lifetime before they came to live with us. While their birth mom found and contacted us well before the kids were old enough to be on Facebook, it was incredibly destabilizing for them.
She recognized this, and when she found them on Facebook, she contacted us first seeing if we (and the kids) would be okay if she were to friend them. We talked with the kids and they were adamant that they didn’t want this. They wanted to know how to contact her inthe future if they wanted, and they had a few questions, but they didn’t want her at this time to be a part of their everyday lives and how they lived that on Facebook. They wanted to control the when and how of their relationship and that’s something I totally respect.
So true.
Someone also mentioned that in cases like yours, all parties should use the appropriate channels to make contact with one another whether it’s through the Ministry or the parents unless the child is “of age,” in which case, they need to be prepared that their birthparents may want to contact them and vice versa (adoptees may want to contact their birthparents). Adoption is such a deep thing and to have meetings or contact or letters thrust upon anyone is like you said, totally destabilizing and unfair to everyone.
No surprise, as the birth mom in a VERY open adoption, I loath the whole notion of secretive adoptions. That said, there are situations when a portion of the truth may suffice where the whole truth would be damaging. The cases the UK Guardian focuses on are adoptions which came about due to children being apprehended by the authorities. I would imagine in those cases, a portion of the truth of those children’s adoption stories would be better than all of the sordid details and would have actually protected some those children from the difficult situations they now face.
My problem with secretive adoptions is that the problems those secrets can cause may turn up in unusual ways that no one expects.
My daughter and her parents live over an hour away from where I grew up, and within the same community as some of my extended family. She ended up in junior high school with a few of her cousins. Boys. Boys she may have ended up dating if she hadn’t known she was related to them. This isn’t the main reason I’m a fan of open, age appropriate truthfulness in adoptions, but it certainly is a big one 🙂
Our birthmother had once read a letter to her son over the phone that she was supposed to send me. It was very beautiful and touching. We emailed about it and I have yet to receive it, though I keep sending her my address. I suppose that one day I will have to sit down and talk about the whole nuts and bolts of it all, but we do want our son to know he is adopted as soon as it’s possible. Oddly enough, his birthmother once tried to friend me on Facebook months ago, but I ignored it. We had already agreed on the degree of our contact and she said she didn’t want that much. Frankly, I’m not on it very much, I don’t post pics of him on it because our adoption is not yet final.
Actually, this is a really creative way to find a relative. But I could see how it would warrant mixed responses depending on the recipients feelings about their birth parents. But then again, I’ve been contacted by people I’d rather not speak to and these awkward exchanges had nothing to do with adoption.
I think it’s fair game. A birth parent can TRY to reconnect with their child on Facebook, but they have to be prepared for mixed results.