For adoptive mothers, there is always another mother to acknowledge on Mother’s Day whether overtly through cards or a phone call or quietly through prayer or silent thoughts. I would not be a mother if our son’s birthmother hadn’t made the difficult, gut-wrenching decision to place her child for adoption. Here is a list of thoughts about this complex relationship from me, an adoptive mother.
We think about you a lot.
You are very important to us.
We are not immune from feeling grief, loss and pain despite being the daily parents of the child you gave birth to.
We do not think what you did was shameful or wrong. You did what thousands of teenagers across the world and throughout time have done. It’s normal and natural.
We do not think negatively of you or look down on you ever. If anything, we are in awe of you, of your beauty, your youth, your fertility and the fundamental fact that gave life.
We are sometimes intimidated by you. We may be the active, day-to-day parents but you gave birth to our child and your blood flows through him. You may become the most important person in his life at some point and that can hurt at times.
We hope you don’t feel guilty. Your child is happy, confident, well adjusted and deeply loved. He will know and understand that you did this for him.
We always protect your identity and defend the reputation of all birthmothers in public. We try to give people insight into the complexities and unique circumstances of every adoption.
We believe that what you did will allow you to be a teenager and free you up to pursue your goals.
We hope that this adoption does not deter you from having a family in the future. Don’t think that because you placed one child for adoption that having more children will hurt him.
We never undervalue your role in our lives. Without you, we would not be a family.