You’d think that adoptive families, especially conspicuous ones, would be all over introducing themselves to each other at playgrounds, on ferries and at the local market. Not necessarily so.
The first time I noticed another adoptive family, the right words failed me. Let’s see: “Hi, where did you adopt from?” Ouch. Or “Hi! I couldn’t help but notice that your kids stand out just like mine.” Nope. Or “Hi! By chance are you an adoptive family, we are.” Awkward. Or how about, “What beautiful children you have.” Potential. But then what?
Lots of things rush through my head the moment I spot a family, I suspect is formed through adoption. First I get overly excited and have to stop myself from pointing and exclaiming, “Hey look Mark!!! Another adoptive family!” Or whispering “Hey, over there, what do you think? ” Then the shy, respectful part of me shows up, and I think perhaps they don’t want to be approached by me, a stranger simply because we adopted and they adopted. Who’s to say we have anything in common at all?
Hello, I see your child likes gelato. So does mine!
It’s a delicate dance. One evening, I was at a park and immediately noticed a little black girl of around four with her white mother. I was pretty sure she was adopted, and I knew she had spotted us. It took us about 30 minutes to even acknowledge each other. It was, of course, the kids, who broke the ice. But still, it took another ten minutes to even mention adoption.
While Mark, Theo and I we were on holidays, we had several stop and stare moments as we passed other adoptive families, a sort of quick smile or nod, a silent acknowledgement that we share something.
When we were in Victoria, we went to Beacon Hill Park, and a black girl of around 7 approached me and asked where Theo came from. I said, he was born and adopted in Canada. She seemed puzzled and pointed towards Theo and said, “Him? That brown kid?” I laughed and said. “Yes.” Then I asked her where she was from and she said, she was Ethiopian, which meant she was “AFRICAN!” She then ran up to her mom and I could hear her tell her that Theo was not Ethiopian. Her mom explained that there really wasn’t much she could do about that.
My best experience was on the Bowen Island ferry when Theo burst on to the main seating area and noticed a white couple with a pair of hilarious black toddler twins who were jumping around hooting and hollering. The father was super friendly. He invited us to sit with them, eat their food and drink their juice boxes. I was so relieved. I thought I couldn’t handle another reticent nod and ignore from another adoptive family. He knew exactly what to say, and we spent the entire time sharing our stories and laughing at the kids.
How do you approach other adoptive families? Are you super gregarious? Do you have a favorite opening line? Do you wait for the kids to connect? Let me know!
Great post – and a topic that doesn’t seem to be covered very often! I’m an adoptee (part African with white parents), and I also feel the urge to approach families who I think might be adopted families – there seems to be a unique bond that can be shared, perspectives that others might not understand. Just make sure you’re not too quick to assume! I asked a mother who was white with an African daughter and she was offended (biological mother with an African husband). I definitely see value in connecting groups of the same familial background.
I’ve done the mutual subtle nod of acknowledgement in passing and the tentative questions about the kids hoping to suss out the details of their family make-up.
It’s hard — for the longest time other parents doing the kindergarten pick-up thing thought that my (as-yet unseen) husband was Asian, so I don’t necessarily assume kids are adopted unless I can see both parents (I’m scared to put my foot in my mouth). I tend to err on the side of caution, so I’m certain I’ve missed some good opportunities to meet other adoptive families.
I am, however, happy to discuss adoption with anyone who inquires, whether it’s because they, too, have adopted (or are in process) or because their sister’s hairdresser’s neighbour’s childhood best friend adopted and they heard that .
I’ve done the mutual subtle nod of acknowledgement in passing and the tentative questions about the kids hoping to suss out the details of their family make-up.
It’s hard — for the longest time other parents doing the kindergarten pick-up thing thought that my (as-yet unseen) husband was Asian, so I don’t necessarily assume kids are adopted unless I can see both parents (I’m scared to put my foot in my mouth). I tend to err on the side of caution, so I’m certain I’ve missed some good opportunities to meet other adoptive families.
I am, however, happy to discuss adoption with anyone who inquires, whether it’s because they, too, have adopted (or are in process) or because their sister’s hairdresser’s neighbour’s childhood best friend adopted and they heard that ((insert horrible assumption about adoption and kids who were adopted here)).
I am the worst person to come up with any opening line since I’m so shy with strangers that I can barely manage ‘Hello’. There shod be a secret handsign that all adopted families learn to break the ice.
Great post! We have a neighbor who adopted from Russia. They’re not a conspicuous family, but our other nosy neighbors recently told us. And now we smile and say hi whenever we seem them taking a walk, but we’re too shy to strike up a conversation. “Hey, we’re adopting internationally – wanna see our referral pic?!” doesn’t seem quite right 😉 Perhaps the nosy neighbors will do us a favor and tell them for us.
Hi, I am a single adoptive Mum of a baby son from Viet Nam who is almost 21 months old. For the most part I connect really well with other adoptive families,
If I see what I think is an adoptive family I say, “I’m not trying to pry but I think your child is adopted like mine, he was born in Viet Nam.” I’ve met some really good friends that way 🙂 Sometimes I just nod and move on because there is no time to chat and I know how it is….sometimes you just want to get on with the grocery shopping and don’t feel like explaining how your family came to be.
I’ve been a “victim” of many ackward questions. I’ve been asked asked if my husband is Asian – No, or if Lucan’s father is Asian and sometimes am asked “where is he from?” I’ve been asked twice if I am the nanny! There are definitely a lot of nosy people who say hurtful and insensitive things (intentionally or not) so approacing the subject with tact and respect is very important.
I think all adoptive families have experienced insensitive responses from “the public.” My theory is that because of that we are overly polite about chatting with “our own people!” I love the way you approach others. Wonderful!
I am always on the lookout for adoptive families. I am eager to speak to others about our shared experiences but as many others have said I am too darn shy to speak up and even if I wasn’t shy I have no idea what I would say. The secret hand signal seems like a good idea! 🙂
Just this weekend I was on the ferry and saw what I assumed to be another adoptive family and made an effort to strike up a conversation with the mom. As we talked she mentioned that both of her children were adopted at which point I added that my little one was adopted too. This led to us chatting throughout the ferry ride and sharing our experiences which I found so helpful because I am a newbie and she had a lot of wisdom to share.
So, my tactic was really to just start a conversation in the hopes that we would come around to discussing adoption. But seriously, there has to be an easier way. All in favour of the hand signal say aye! 😉
Love the hand signal idea!
Harriet Fancott harriet@karmavore.com
I vote for the adoptive parent hand signal! There is an ASL sign for this, but it looks like you’re picking up your kid by his shoulders.
As far as introductions, I’ve only used one: “Hey, I’m an adoptive parent. Are you?”
Works every time. I’ve gotten “yes”, “no”, and “huh?” as an answer, but since I’ve ID’s myself, nobody seemed to offended when I was wrong.
As I’ve said before, my husband is adopted. Every year we attend a campout that is all families who have adopted through the same agency. There it is not awkward at all to ask a million questions and compare notes. Pretty fun. I can see how it would get annoying though, people JUST talking to you about the elephant in the room. It definitely doesn’t guarantee you’ll have anything else in common.
hmmm difficult, as sharing an experience xcan be a great supportive and learning moment for both. ‘unseen’ shared experiences, such as adoption, mature motherhood and deafness, definitely do benefit from mutual support when both parties are willing to share … but how to make that first approach?
sounds like Theo’s a great ambassador
I’m one that is rather shy too – so I smile and perhaps say hello. Would love the hand signal for sure. I think letting the kids make the connection is a great step. I find it much easier when I go to the local adoptive family events – we all have dealt with the same agency and all there to celebrate adoption. I have met a great set of girls online who have adopted from S. Korea, and honestly they have become better friends than my in life friends in a lot of ways. That being said, the couple who lives across the street from me are adopting from Russia, and for some reason the conversations seem forced.
My family wasn’t formed through adoption, but I’m occasionally asked if I am. The question amuses me, though not nearly as much when posed by adults (“Is he adopted?”) as by children (“Is he yours? He doesn’t look like you!”; “Is he half dark and half light?”).
From my perspective, I wonder, “Does it matter if he is adopted? He’d be mine all the same!” It’s interesting to see this question from the eyes of an adoptive parent. If I were an adoptive parent, I can imagine it would be nice to be able to connect with others sharing some of the same struggles and triumphs.
interesting. we don’t visibly stand out, yet, but I still get excited to meet other adoptive families. we’re fortunate to keep in touch with many through a support group — and I love that our kids will have each other later as much as I love that we have each other now. but I haven’t encountered as many in public places that I’ve had an opportunity to interact with, at least that I know of.
when it’s an obvious family through adoption, I smile or nod. but I know there are many who don’t necessarily stand out, like ours. funny, from your family pics, someone might not realize that theo is adopted. though I imagine when you’re alone with him, people make assumptions.
curious to see how others interact and find each other.
I often find that although it isn’t overtly talked about, I feel like I’m instantly bonded with other families who are visibly adoptive. Like if you saw another traveller in Europe with a Canadian flag on his/her backpack. You’d smile a little bigger, and feel like you sort of already know them even if you don’t talk much.
Kids are far more apt to ‘ask’ outright. “Is he your kid?” My favourite response; “Are you sure?” LMAO, the last time I checked! I don’t mind because they’re just noticing we’re white and our kid is brown. They don’t mean any harm.
Mainly I forget that we’re visibly different. I sometimes catch someone doing a double take and think, “Do I have ketchup on my face?” or “Did one of my kids just steal something?” It has been almost 6 years of being an interracial family for us so I”m so used to it, I don’t see it anymore. Which I feel like maybe I shouldn’t? But you can’t help forgetting something.
And I never, ever mind when other adoptive families ask about us. I think we should network as much as possible! I don’t get many questions from strangers so its not like its overwhelming or threatens our privacy. If my son minded I would feel differently, but rather than feel sad about being adopted, he feels pride; it makes him unique, different, special. That’s cool! I appreciate that about him. I mean, he’s only seven so that could change, but for now it’s great.
So, if you see US, feel free to introduce yourself any way you like. =)
(p.s. I found you through Strocel)
My husband usually comes home with stories about the things that people say – the other day he said a woman asked him if that was his child – and then caught herself and said, of course he’s your child, that was a stupid question. She was an adoptive parent herself. He understood that she was just trying to connect with him on that level. Most of the time though people just say the stupidest things. I think he just prefers to not to be singled out. Of course, I find this amusing, growing up as a minority, being singled out is a way of life for me.
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I figured out what I’d say, even if I have no idea. I’d do the “How old is yours?” bit and then they’ll start talking about theirs and you let out random comments like, “Ah, I hear that’s a fun age, eh?” and when it’s your turn again, I’d say, “Yeah, time flies when you’re running a toddler, but adopting him is by far the best thing we’ve ever done. What an amazing boy,” and then if they’re adoption-bondy, they’ll share theirs… It’s what I do with dogs. “Yeah, I got Boo at the SPCA nine and a half years ago. He’s pretty for an SPCA special,” etc etc. 😀
*running after a toddler… I think he probably runs on his own well enough. 😀
Last time I used the “Where did your son get those lovely dark curls from?” as a conversation starter 🙂 It turned out she was a new mom too and we could both practise our adoption lingo.
We have two adopted angels, one from Viet Nam (2-1/2) and one from China (1-1/2) and have seen other adopted families and wanted to start a conversation but also have been lost for words. We have been pretty lucky other than some stares we haven’t had any open comments about our family! I know it’s coming though!
Wow so close in age! How wonderful.