It’s about him, not me.
One of my many open adoption heroes is Lori Lavender Luz who blogs at Write Mind Open Heart . Her aim is to “defreakify” open adoption, and she does! She has a son, 9, and a daughter, 11, in open adoptions, and she is a writing a book together with the birthmom of one of her children.
Lori is a mother who faces up to the moment and encourages her kids to speak to their feelings no matter how uncomfortable those discussions are for her. One of the biggest barriers to talking about adoption is our own discomfort and pain as parents. It’s easier to assume everything is okay if a child says nothing than to poke and prod or open and reopen the door to discussion over and over again.
Lori’s post Facing Birth Mother Discussions Without Fear, which focuses on conversations she’s had with her then 8-year-old son about his birthmother, resonated strongly with me.
If I could take a single piece of advice from her post, it is not to fear difficult conversations about Theo’s birthparents/birthstories because NONE OF IT IS ABOUT ME. She recommends taking yourself right out of the equation and focussing wholly on your kids and their concerns.
Obviously, Theo does not have a lot to say on the subject of adoption or his birthparents yet. While he knows plenty of children who were adopted, I haven’t been proactive about giving him the words and terms to go along with those relationships. I’ve only just started telling him which kids joined their families through adoption and attaching a title to go along with the names of his birthparents.
Lori’s piece also disproves the notion that boys aren’t as concerned about their adoption stories as girls. They may just need more the door opened more frequently.
How successful are you at removing your emotional needs from difficult conversations with your children?
Great post (as always)! So far no difficult conversations except along the lines of “We need to change your diaper.” “Waaaahhh!” 😉
Interesting that people think that boys are less interested in their adoption stories. This probably goes along with the idea that men are less emotional & concerned with interpersonal stuff than women. Which is from socialization; while it might be often the case, it ain’t ‘natural’.
I have to admit, my own needs would be my biggest fear when it comes to adoption. I think it takes someone more secure than myself to do an open adoption. That sort of selfishness is something I’m trying to work on in other facets of my life, but it sure isn’t easy.
Obviously it’s just anecdotal, but my husband and his sister were both adopted and she is MUCH more interested in it all, and especially more verbal. My husband doesn’t even have answers to some basic questions I ask. She was also adopted at a slightly older age, so that may also pay a part.
I thought about doing a journal of my pregnancy and first couple years of Sebastian’s life, but my husband agreed that it probably wouldn’t be that interesting to him later. Because he’s a boy. I’m really starting to regret that now! I’m not usually so sexist, but I really bought in that a daughter would be fascinated by such journals while a boy wouldn’t care. I feel like I’ve dug myself a hole now. What do I do if I have diaries from subsequent pregnancies/babies but not for my first? (That was a tangent, but only barely, right? 😉
There are many conversations that will come up with your children over the years of raising them that are very uncomfortable for the parent. I think in many ways, having our older girls, and having all of the uncomfortable conversations with them over the years that we have had helped to prepare us for the various adoption conversations that we have with Mea.
Children of all ages ask questions. They ask their parents because they are the people whom the children trust. If they don’t get straight, age-appropriate answers from their own parents who are they going to ask?
Great post!
It’s interesting that CHILDREN are the ones who are self-centered, who think the world revolves around them. I think I’m equally as guilty of doing that, and I’m the grown up!
It’s gratifying that you found the conversation helpful. Thank you for the shout-out