Hands off his hair.
I see her approach. She’s jogging. We recognize each other. We chat about running. I introduce Theo. She looks at him smiling, and then the gushing starts:
“Oh I love your hair! My hair is so straight. Look at it! Yours is so curly. You are so lucky! Can I put your hair on my head?”
Theo looks at her perplexed and slightly anxious.
Then it comes. So fast.
The hand moves in like a jetliner looking for a landing strip.
While in motion, her goal mere fingertips away, she asks him rhetorically, “Can I touch your hair?”
Theo recoils ducking, moving sideways and then backwards as her hand nimbly reaches its target.
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I cannot understand why people think it’s okay to touch children without their permission. It undermines everything we try to teach our children about having autonomy over their own bodies.
I like your vignettes. I need to incorporate more short stories into my blogging (since that’s all I have time for). This one is especially resonant, of course. E doesn’t understand enough to recoil yet but this happens to her a lot.
Theo only started disliking it at around 3-ish, and I had to ask him point blank because he never said a thing about it. Then I noticed that he was starting to look slightly disturbed every time it happened so I asked.
This bothers me so much, and not to bring up an obvious and somewhat racist point, but could you imagine if ‘african-canadians/americans’ started coming up to Asian and Caucasian people with straight hair and randomly touching it??
It’s so bizarre, just because it’s a child they feel it’s okay to cross certain personal boundaries.
Sidenote: he is super adorable and you’re super lucky to have such a cute and smiley kid!
I can only imagine. I also wonder if people do that to kids with black parents, I bet they don’t.
People are just weird. Period. I had a man come at the baby and rub her baldy head. I didn’t know him. He was a stranger on the seawall. On a side note, when my blonde haired sister lived in Japan people would come at her to touch her hair. Every single place she went there was someone wanting to touch her hair. Which enforces my point. People are just weird.
Argh, what a weird experience for Theo to have all the time. It sucks that it’s not just someone being friendly, but someone marvelling at his difference.
I often touch the hair of little kids that I know–particularly now that I’m pregnant, as I’m more emotional & touchy-feely than usual somehow. But never strangers–that would be weird in most cases.
I think there’s sort of an age limit too–if they’re under age 2ish, okay, but older they are less likely to want that contact. Like my nephew–if I played with his hair, he’d probably duck away because he’s nearly seven. But my friend’s 18 month old daughter holds my hand when we walk or leans on my lap when I’m sitting, so it makes sense to stroke her hair.
& for me none of this is about the novelty of whatever their hair texture is, whether straight or curly, it’s more about just being affectionate.
Boundaries, people. My kid had her picture taken by I don’t know how many strangers when we were out in public & she was a big younger. Fascination with the blue eyes & blonde hair. Luckly this has slowed down as she gets older & less baby-cute, but WHY would you want a pic of someone else’s kid to add to your vacation photos? I don’t think these people meant any harm, but it is weird.
Oh my! This happens to Wren all-the-time! Everywhere we go! Yes, she has beautiful hair. No, it is not okay to touch someone without their permission…even and especially if they are little and can’t stop you! Sheesh!!!
We’ve had two people in the last two weeks ask us publicly where we think Wren’s curly hair comes from. Michael and I are both very white Caucasian and Wren is African American, Cherokee and Caucasian…simply astounding the thought-less things people say.
I guess the reality is, it’s going to happen. I’m trying to get Theo to speak up a bit but I know that I need to back him up – well preempt it. I still get taken off guard. Of course, no thinks we are related so I don’t get a lot of “where did he get those curls?!”
Wren is perhaps the loveliest name ever!
Harriet Fancott harriet@karmavore.com
Lots of people in Africa used to want to touch my hair too.
That happens to Jay all the time. He doesn’t seem to care yet. I think people think it’s okay as long as they also say how beautiful it is.
I just found your blog and I love your posts! I’m reading as many as I can. I smiled when I read this post because my daughter has this done often by people of the same color! She speaks up when it’s kids, but adults can do it so quickly. Recently, my adult sister had a stranger suddenly touch her hair, too! I agree it’s about not respecting personal boundaries. Karmavore, I do agree that I don’t think whites would do this so quickly if Theo were with blacks. You’re doing right in telling him to speak up, but there will always be people who don’t respect boundaries
Thanks! Appreciate the feedback from one who knows!
Harriet Fancott harriet@karmavore.com
Why do I not read your blog more often? My kids get their hair touched often, too – mostly when it’s loose. But, people comment on it all the time. Q is 5 now and he speaks up; he’s always hated it. I can usually avoid someone touching my toddler because she is usually in a stroller. It happens when I’m alone with them, when their are alone with their father (who is black) and when we’re all together.
Yea I have feeling it’s because we’re white. But the good news is as Theo gets older, he’s finding his voice.